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Monday, November 3rd, 2003
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I couldn't believe it... well, almost. oscar has been saying we need to talk for a week. well, we finally got the chance to talk and you'll never guess what he said. he broke up w/ me. at first i was either shocked or just didn't believe it. but then he explained further. he says that we need to break up for a while because a week or two ago when i asked him out he told me he said yes right away because he thought it was the only opportunity he would get to be w/ me again, but now he wants to think his situation through completely. which is understandable, more then understandable. i mean, i left him for a chick. naw, not just a chick. my christy. but you get the point. so he just wants to make sure he knows what he's getting himself into... again, for a third time now. but now here's the part that doesn't really make too much sense. so he wants to break up to make sure this relationship is what he wants and is something he can handle again, but he says we're certain to get back together. he says there's no "ifs" about it, we're going ot be together again, but he needs to think about it. that some what confuses me, but at the same time, it totally sounds like something i'd do and say. hehe, so i guess i'm single again, at least for the next couple of days. well, i'm outie.
-Jessica
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Comments: Read 14 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, October 29th, 2003
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| Time: | 7:28 pm. |
| Mood: |  crappy. | | Music: | smashing pumpkins- greatest hits- landslides (?). |
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um, not much to write. maybe except I MISS OSCAR! and i've confused some friends. and i absolutely love this cover from the smashing pumpkins of landslides or the landslide or whatever the hell that song is. geez, why don't i have anything to write about? i know i did earlier. anyways, my pathetic ass is taking up too much space on your friend's list w/ my nothingness to talk about so i'm just gonna go watch a movie w/ my madre. later all.
-Jessica
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Monday, October 27th, 2003
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i had a great weekend. absolutely fabulous. i spent all weekend w/ oscar. i went over on friday night and spent the night. we had the best sex ever, or maybe it just felt that way since i hadn't seen him for a whole week. we were soooo happy to see each other after such a long break. a week's a long time for us. and no body was at his house because they were all at some indian convention, kind of a family reunion. he's part of a tribe that's almost completely extinct, so the elders were teaching everyone how to speak the language and what not. so we had his place to ourselves. yay! and i ended up falling asleep that night while we were watching skinny puppy videos. i was sooo tired because i had only gotten 3 hours of sleep thursday night. oh, and i also asked him back out. he said he'd have to think about it. i knew he didn't, but i'm glad he delayed. saturday was pretty cool. i just hung out w/ him all day, and had sex again. but it was cool because it was during the day and we usually have sex at night. his family came back from the reunion and stuff. his sister made me food (yum!). and we just chilled. and i asked him out again. so we are now officially girlfriend and boyfriend again. i think it's finally time for me to accept some responsibility and commitment, so yeah. it was a happy day. he ended up getting drunk out of nowhere off of wine and passed out outside on a matress. i ended up falling asleep next to him until his sister came and woke us up. so me and his sister, kayla, woke him up and helped him inside onto the bed. and then i just went to sleep with him. and then today was very exciting. you'll never guess where i went this morning... CHURCH! it was great, i've never been to church before. that's why i don't believe in god, when i was in 1st grade i tried to go w/ a friend and her mother and they wouldn't let me in. i know churches can't do that, but it's true. hehe, that's kind of a silly reason for not believing in god, but i was young. i have different reasons now. anyways, it was great because oscar was all gothed out so he got a lot of attention and me being his girlfriend therefore got attention as well. everyone was all proud because since he looked evil and goth they thought it was a big step for him. and i was so proud when i saw and heard mom and granny sing. and everyone was really nice and we didn't get any bad glances or anything. it was a nice little family outing. i don't care where we go, i just like being w/ people's familys, since mine is so fucked up. and then we went to del taco to eat after the second service (we had to stay a second time so his mom and granny could sing for the next service as well) and i saw ginger! she's one of my buddies that used to hang out w/ me and all my friends but stopped because everyone got to heavily into drugs. and i love her for leaving. she's smarter then us, that's great. she's adorable as all hell. hehe. and we just hung out some more at his house and hung out w/ his best buddy shane and his sister. and then i was planning on going home early which i guess he hadn't planned on and he wanted a quickie before i left. so, yeah, ya know. but it was a llittle longer then a quickie. anyways, afterwards, we took a shower, and it was beautiful. it was truly a moment to remember. we talked, and it was one of those really depthful, emotion filled conversations. we stayed in there longer then we planned. we mostly talked about our situation about a month ago when i broke up w/ him for christy and that whole horrible conflict. it was good to get all our feelings and thoughts out in the open and clear the way for our new relationship. so, yeah, then he walked me home and hung out w/ me for a while in my room. then we went outside to wait for one of his friends to pick him up because it was about 10:00 pm and my mom wanted him out and me in my bed. but, um, i kind of got a little horny and he was wearing a skirt today, and when he was innocently just sitting there i kind of crawled into his skirt and... well, you know, i kind of... pleased him. and giving him that blow job really got him excited. actually i think i gave him a really really good one tonight. i don't know what's wrong w/ me this week, i've been all horny and shit. anyways, he got over excited and couldn't hold it in, and i was pretty much ready to burst, so we just went in between the two vans in my drive way and pulled down my pants and pulled up his skirt, and yeah, you know the rest. it was great. another risky sex situation! yay! they're the best, very fun. and it was even riskier then when we did it in his front yard because, well, it was my front yard! i usually wouldn't even think of doing that type of shit at my house. i'd fear my mom coming out to check on whether he had left yet. she did once when i was going down on him, but didn't see because i just got out of his skirt. and soon after we finished having sex she came out. it was such a rush, a great natural high. i loved it. and that pretty much concludes my night and my weekend so i'm out.
-Jessica
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Friday, October 24th, 2003
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sorry, i know you all loved the other cute icon oh so much, but i always change it every couple of days, so, yeah, you'll just have to live w/ selma.
-Jessica
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Comments: Read 6 or Add Your Own.
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Well, this kind of sucks, but it's not too bad. i know i'm a drama queen. i love pain and drama and any excitement to come to my life. maybe that's why i had that whole conflict with christy and oscar. i tend to make situations a lot more complicated then they need to be. But for once, i swear this time it wasn't my fault... well maybe a little. i don't think i helped my new situation very much, but, yeah. so i just finally got over the whole "i don't know if i'm in love w/ christy or oscar" thing and now i'm stuck in this "uh oh, one of oscar's best friends is falling for me" type of things. well, you see, oscar has this one friend name KC. KC is the best, he's adorable, can make music and some really bad ass art, and is the sweetest little thing you'll ever see. he's tall and lanky yet the best hugger in the world. see, i met KC a little while before i met oscar because he's one of sarah's friends and i guess he liked me and stuff but oscar asked me out before KC got a chance, and i think he still likes me. i rarely hang out w/ him, but when i do we just cuddle a lot. that's just how KC is. girls form lines downtown to get a hug from him. i'm telling you, he's the cutest. really skinny, really pale, glasses. just adorable. but i just like him as a friend. i love him a lot. he's the greatest, i don't think i've ever met anyone so sweet, but i fear he's getting too attached to me. and i love cuddling w/ him and hanging out w/ him but i don't want to lead him on, you know? geez, i'm always gonna be stuck in this pathetic soap opera. in other news, i think i have a new best friend. SAL! i love him sooooo much. if you knew him you would too. he's just so understanding, and wise, and loyal, he's a great friend, concerned, and just an overall great guy. well, him and sarah are my best friends. i can't leave her out of course. but seriously, i'm just posting about him because i realized i think i love him more than some other friends that used to be oh so close to my heart. like fernando. yes, i know it's amazing but i do value sal's friendship a lot more then fernando's. i think... yeah, i value his friendship over everyone else's. and he really is a great guy, not like the rest of my friends who are, sadly enough, some what of a phase. i mean, they're a lot of fun to hang out w/ but if you were ever dying or even just sick, i doubt they would care, let alone take care of you. but sal's the kind of honest and loyal person who'd stick by your side. and he's helped me more then anyone else i know figure things out. he probably doesn't know it because i always deny everything, but he has changed my mind about a lot of things and helped me come to some decisions that i probably still wouldn't have made if it weren't for him. i'm just kind of sad though because i don't think he knows how much i love him. i mean, that's completely my fault, i used to talk shit on him, you know? he used to creep me out. and he tried to be there for me before and i pushed him away. now we're buds, but i see him as a true friend. and now i'm kind of afraid to let him know how much he means to me because of sarah. she loves him a lot too, but in a different sense. she's not all dumb and teenagery about it like "i'm soooo in love w/ this guy and we're gonna get married and be together forever!" she just really values his friendship too, but more then anything else in her life. it's just more of a crucial matter for her. and she does get a little jealous when me and sal get close at all, because she wants so much from him, maybe too much. i don't know, she just wants a closer bond, not to go out w/ him or anything, just a closer bond. and i just don't want to hurt her anymore then she already is. maybe in a little they'll just get more used to each other and i can get closer to sal, in that friend type of way. another reason i really love him is i actually trust him. like, a lot. and i pretty much don't trust anybody. especially that quickly.so, yeah, that's all because i'm writing way too much.
-Jessica
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*my best friend now (besides sarah), Sal, says this song reminds him of our friends and I, and he said i was the first to come to mind when he heard it. it's a great song, just not one you want to remind people of. but i guess it's true. so here it is. go on, guess it:
Help me if you can
It's just that this is going away
I want it so quickly please,
Help me understand what
I've given in to all the years
And this darkness I have known
Lying to myself again
Suicidal imbecile
Think about it, put it on the faultline
What'll it take to get it through to you precious
Come on to this, why do you wanna throw it away like this
Such a bitch, why do I wanna watch you
Disconnect and self destruct one woman at a time
What's your rush now, everyone will have his day to die
Medicated, drawn away, picture perfect, no more legiments
Narcisistic, drawn away, craving fame and all this decadance
Lying through your teeth again
Suicidal imbecile
Think about it, put it on the fautline
What'll it take to get it through to you precious
Come to this, why do you wanna throw it away like this
Such a bitch, why do I wanna watch you
Disconnect and self destruct one woman at a time
What's your rush now, everyone will have his day to die
They were right about you
They were right about you
Lying to my face again
Suicidal imbecile
Think about it put it on the fautline
What'll it take to get it through to you precious
Come on to this , why do you wanna throw it away like this
Such a bitch, come to this, come to this
Disconnect and self destruct, one woman at a time
What's your hurry, everyone will have his day to die
If you choose to pull the trigger, should your karma prove sincere,
Do it somewhere far away from here
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Wednesday, October 22nd, 2003
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Ok, so i've decided to wait until friday to see oscar. do you know what that means? i won't have seen him for a whole week! crazy, i know. geez, but i miss him soooooo much! you don't understand, i'm going crazy. but at the same time i'm having fun. i'm finally hanging out w/ some friends, and i don't really do much of that anymore. i'm gonna hang out w/ sarah, fernando, sal, and tyler tomorrow. hopefully christy too, but i think she works. but, oh no, i think oscar's going downtown. hehe, that'll be awesome if he does. i miss him! i'm just gonna make out w/ him right in front of all his friends. hehe, yep. but i won't hang around him too long. geez, i caved in today. hehe, after i hung out w/ my friend, sam, who i haven't seen in a long time, i took the bus to see him. but he wasn't home. bastard. just kidding. i guess i wasn't meant to see him until friday then. ooooo, he's calling now so i've got to go. (YAY!) write more later. bye.
-Jessica
p.s.- you know my icon's still the coolest
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Monday, October 20th, 2003
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i don't know how to put a lj member thingy here so that their user name is highlighted and they have a little person figure next to their name, so i'll just say i stole this quiz from lj user: fetusstyle
01] Have you ever loved someone you had no chance with: hahaha, yes, sadly enough. i fell in love w/ one of my best friends. sadly, he was gay.
[02] Have you ever cried over something someone of the opposite sex did?: of course. sex doesn't matter, everyone has found a way to get to me at some point or other
[03] Do you have a "type" of person you always go after: i never thought i did but one of my friends pointed out i always go out w/ tall lanky gothic mexican guys who are too sensitive, extremely clingy, and over dramatic. i must say i agree.
[04] Do you prefer to be single when there are too many things going on in your life?: yes, i always prefer to be single, even though i'm always involved. hehe. usually if there are too many things going on in my life it's because of my significant other.
[05] Ever liked a close guy/girl friend: about a billion times. my bf right now is the first person i wasn't close friends w/ but usually i fall for my best friends. it's horrible. maybe that's why this relationship has been the best, i didn't even know him when he asked me out.
[06] Are you lonely right now: i'm always lonely, but i like it that way. i make it that way. of course i have my oscar, but i'm still kind of lonely
[07] Ever afraid you'll never get married: no no no. not at all. actually i hate the idea of marraige and never wanted to get married, but my bf really really does. so if we stay together long enough i know he'll ask.
[09] Do You Want Kids: definitely not right now, seeing as how i'm only 15, but one day. i didn't before, i've never wanted kids, but ever since i've been w/ oscar, heard the way he talks about it, i do want kids someday.
FAVORITE
[01] Room in house: mine of course
[02] Type of music: I like all kinds of music, and i don't know how to classify my favorite bands. i love bjork, radiohead, tool, hooverphonic, massive attack, tori amos, a.p.c, placebo. those are some favorites.
[04] Memory: i remember my best night ever. i spent the night at my best friend's, fernando's, house and got to cuddle w/ fernando and my ex, hector, whom i still love dearly as a very close friend, all night and morning. we were all in our underwear, but weren't sexual at all, and we all just cuddled and drew on each other's backs, and it was truly the best i've ever felt.
[05] Day Of The Week: friday or saturday
[06] Color(s): GREEN!
[08] Flower: I don't want to be trite, but probably roses. if not, then hibiscus,ooo, or carnations.
[09] Month: December.
[10] Season: definitely winter.i live in the desert, so cold is rare and treasured here.
[11] Place to be kissed: i think my neck. yeah, i love that.
[12] Location for dates: um, i've never been on an actual date. but if i was i'd think up in the mountains or on a beach. his place is just fine though ;) kidding (kind of)
SOCIAL LIFE
[01] Best Friends: i don't really think of anyone as my best friend anymore, which is sad because i've always considered someone a best friend. well, i never really hold one friend higher then the other anymore so now i guess my best friends are Sarah, Sal, Christy, Oscar, Michelle, and Oscar. yep, suprisingly enough i excluded fernando from that list. impressive, eh?
[02] Boyfriend/Girlfriend: just broke up w/ my gf christy to be w/ my bf oscar.
[03] Current Crush: um, i haven't had a crush for a while now. because i'm already w/ someone and therefore have no need to have a crush on them. i guess angelina jolie?
[04] Hobbies: I like drawing, listening to music, doing drugs (guess that's out of the question now though), star gazing, traveling, exploring, etc...
[05] Are you center of attention or wallflower: i used to be a total wallflower, then i went to center of attention, and now i'm in between.
[06] What Type Automobile Do You Drive: i don't drive. i don't know how, yeah, i'm lame
[07] Are you timely or always late: always late
[08] Do you have a job: no, i'm such a busy person, w/ school and my ever demanding boyfriend and friends and family and what not. i want one though.
IN THE LAST 48 HOURS, HAVE YOU:
[01] Cried: no, suprisingly
[02] Bought something: naw
[03] Gotten sick: lol, yeah because i am sick
[04] Sang: Yes, horribly because my voice is half gone but i can't control myself when i get into bjork
[05] Said "I love you": yep, to my buddies sarah, sal, adrienne, and my mom :D
[06] Wanted to tell someone something: yeah, i want to tell oscar that i love him, and TO STAY AWAY FROM HIS FAGGOTY FRIEND WHO KEEPS HITTING ON HIM. j/k about that last part, sort of
[08] Moved on: moved on?
[09] Talked to someone: Yes, adrienne, sarah, and sal
[10] Had a serious talk: Nope, thank goodness, just a simple boring day (yay no drama!)
[11] Missed someone: yeah, i'm really missing oscar
[12] hugged someone: no );
[13] Kissed someone: nope );
[14] Fought with your parents: naw
[15] Dreamed about someone you can't be with: sadly, i can never remember my dreams
[16] Had a lot of sleep: hell yeah, that's a plus to being sick. i got to stay home from school and just sleep
RANDOM
[Do you drink] hehe, yeah, a lot. actually, i've slowed down a whole lot this past month. i used to be really bad about it but ever since i got into tweek drinking just doesn't cut it for me. but i'm just sober now. drink occassionally
[Do you smoke] not regularly, but if someone has smokes then yeah.
[Do you cuss] Sometimes i guess. they're just words
[Do you consider yourself attractive] yes, not in a concieted way. i'm just comfortable w/ myself. maybe too comfortable (i tend to get naked around a lot of people) i just don't really care about looks so i'm just comfortable. and plus a lot of people tell me i'm attractive so that helps
[Do you have a CD burner] YES! FINALLY I HAVE THE POWER!
[What did you do yesterday] ah man, i've been so bored for the past three days because i'm sick, so i've just been sleeping and listening to music and i can't stop EATING!
[What did you do today] the answer above also applies to this question
[What are you doing tomorrow] either going to my dad's and going on strike at ralphs, or going to see oscar
[What are you doing this weekend] i never know. every day holds new suprises for me, and i love it. i never usually plan over a day ahead unless need be
[What did you do last weekend] just sat around all sick and fat
[What are you gonna do when this is over] go check out my friends on lj and then hit the bed
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1) First grade teacher's name: ::thinks for a minute:: ooo, i remember! it was Mr. Barney
2) Last thing you said: "alright, good night mom"
3) Last song you sang: New World, from Bjork
4) Last person you hugged: i think my mom. hehe, got to love them mothers
5) Last thing you laughed at: the t.v., i'm watching Reno 911, and the blonde officer w/ big boobs was telling little goths some spells and shit and... well, it's just funny. it's the halloween one. you should see it
6) Last time you said 'I love you': tonight to my mom
8) What's in your CD player: Bjork, massive attack, sigur ros, coldplay, and apc (5 disc holder)
9) What colour socks are you wearing: i can't wear socks because i have an ingrown toe nail (yeah i know it's gross.) and it'll hurt too much
10) What's under your bed: memories from my childhood probably.
11) What time did you wake up today: around 12:30 pm or 1:00 pm, isn't that great?
12) Current taste: orange soda... mmmmmmm
13) Current hair: long, dark brown, straight.
14) Current clothes: flaming p.j. pants, yes it's cheesy, and a light blue tank top
15) Current annoyance: my nose. it's all stuffy from being sick.
16) Current longing: oscar. i really miss him
17) Current desktop picture: a most beautimous picture of the pixie herself, bjork
18) Current worry: i'm worried about school, suprisingly enough. i finally care!
19) Current hate: my toe
20) Story behind your LJ username: it's part of a line from one of my favorite bjork songs (pagan poetry)
22) Favorite physical feature of the opposite sex: on any sex it's the same, love the eyes, but on the opposite sex alone i have a thing for their arms (don't ask)
23) Last CD that you bought: um... i think...maybe tricky?
24) Favorite place to be: so far in life, oregon
25) Least favorite place: hehe, here. it's pretty sleezy and scummy.
26) Time you wake up in the morning: 6 am because of school
27) If you could play an instrument, what would it be? Why?: ooo, i'd love to be able to play the violin.
29) Do you believe in an afterlife: actually, i don't know. i used to think about that a lot, but i gave up and figure i'll just wait to see
30) How tall are you: ok, no laughing now, i've been getting shit forever because i never grow, but i'm... i'm.. ok, i'm 5'0
31) Current favorite word/saying: at the moment i love saying spooge. yeah, it's kind of gross. and faggot, just to offend all my friends
32) Favorite book: A Caress Of Twilight by Laurell K. Hamilton, or The Theif of Always by Clive Barker, or Where The Wild Things Are by Maurice Sendack (can't remember how to spell their last name)
34) One person from your past you wish you could go back and talk to: i'd say my grandmother who died. if she were still alive we would've gotten along so well now.but i never got close to her before when i should have.
36) Where do you want to go: the highlands of scotland
37) What is your career going to be like?: I have no idea. i don't plan ahead or really think about the future at all. it's a dumb and ignorant way to go about life but i don't care because it's what pleases me.
39) What kind of car will you have: I don't know or really care
40) Type a line you remember from any book: fuck, i can never remember anything, let alone a line from a book. if it was a song that'd be different
41) A random lyric: "i'm not living i'm just killing time" - radiohead
42) Identify some things surrounding your computer: oh geez, my computer desk's so cluttered right now. photos, a drink, tissue, romote, pens and pencil, books, batteries, brush, etc...
ok, quiz is finally over. i doubt anyone will even read this but i was bored, so, yeah.
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you know you want my knew icon! look at it! look at it! it's from the movie, Spirited Away, in case you didn't know. somebody (roukzeptea23) made it in the community, animeicons. isn't it great?! sorry, i just love it sooo much, it's sooooo cute!
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i think i'm getting mail again now, just to let you all know. i got 5 e-mails today from lj, but still not the mail from before. anyways, i think it's all good now. :D
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| Time: | 11:39 am. |
| Mood: |  contemplative. | | Music: | nothing, but saved by the bell is on. |
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hello there. well, on one of my recent posts, if you read it, it was about a discussion i had w/ somebody about religion. maybe it was the way i worded it or something but an annonymous poster saw it as an attack. if anyone was attacking, it was the person i was discussing the subject with. usually when anybody says anything too offensive to me i don't pay attention or let it effect me because i used to be one of those extremely impressionable and gullable people who would just absorb what everyone else said and let it get to me. but for some reason, i felt the need to pick at this one person's comment and hope that they'll come back and read this. they probably won't reply though, they don't have to because they posted as anonymous so i don't know who they are so they feel no obligation too. anyways, here's their commment:
so what makes you the religous king. no one has the right to tell others their beliefs are wrong. so what if she was taught. what if now she truley believes in it and it helps her to better her own life. that is what religion is for. yes the bible is stories but they are stories of hope and inspiration, that tell people " you know if you do the right thing, and believe in god and jesus, that things will work out". just becuase you are so avidly against it you try to put others down.
im jewish i was raised that way and i am proud of my beliefs but it does not dictate my charater. i dont call christians gentiles(if oyu eben kmow what that means) and i dont attack muslums. who are u to question others? how is that fair what u did to her? you attacked her and felt proud and now you continue to demean her. you must feel proud to be another religous anarchist.
you know sometimes people had a hard life and they need something to fall back on for support when a person cant be there, but i guess that is too ignorant for u as well. the fact of the matter is the promotion of religion may be corrupt, but there are people who are honestly saved by it, and i have been lucky enough to see it. i guess you havent, and you choose to follow the lead of a selfish band, and you own ignorance, you may think you are thinking out side the box, but you are more in that the people you use to be your derogatories.
*i know that i'm no "religious king" and never claimed to be. and i never at any point told her that her religion was wrong. and i know that her religion has caused her to be a better person because i remember how she was before she was very religious, and it wasn't a very kind person. i'm glad that your religion doesn't get in the way of your character. i don't mean this towards all religious people, but in general, most religious people i know have just become mindless androids letting the bible and all those litle stories control them. i don't think it's a bad thing, that's their choise. and i'll never tell anyone their religion is wrong. who am i to tell them that? no religion is wrong. i'm definitely not against religion, i'm all for it, and i don't put people down. if you knew me personally (maybe you do, i don't know because i don't know who this is) you would know that i have way too much low self- esteem to put anyone else down. where did i mention anything about putting her down? i just tried to make her think. from time to time i like to do that, make people think. kind of like what you did w/ your comment. it made me think. they just always seem so robot-ish that i like to see if they can form any ideas on their own. but it's always the same answers; those given to them. you're right, i don't really know what "gentiles" mean, but i'm glad that you don't call christians that, i guess? who am i to question others? i'm just me. everyone has the right. just like the girl who i was discussing this with, brenda, questioned me. everybody does it because religion tends to be one of the strongest emotions or whatever you want to call it that everyone seems to think that their beliefs are the right ones. even if you don't put others down for their beliefs inside your head you're still thinking "well, my way's the right way for me". or at least most people do. and i'm not an anarchist. definitely not. i almost pity anarchists because what do we have without faith? it's just kind of a sad idea. i'm pagan. i'm not one of those pagans who should just call themselves wiccan because they do all that ritual witchy crap. i'm simply a child of the earth. and i believe in the earth and her energy and power and so on and so forth. it's like this, i believe in the power of belief. i think that if somebody believes in god then he is real, for them. if they believe in heaven then that is what destination awaits them. i don't believe in heaven, so when i die it won't be there for me. i believe in recollecting back into the earth's energy sourse. i will just decompose and become part of that where i came from. and i know that she didn't have a hard life, but even if she did i think it would be weak of her, or anyone, to rely on anything. i hate that. i don't think there's anything wrong w/ that, it's just weak in my eyes. to me there isn't really a wrong or right, everything just... is. maybe im just too lazy to form any real morals, or maybe i'm just way too open-minded, but that's just how i see things. and i don't think that i think outside the box. no one really does. it just makes me laugh because you weren't there, so you didn't see the real attacker. i never put her down for believing in god, i even said "good for you". i just found it a true turning point when she called herself brainwashed. my friend and i simpy gave her the same situation in just different surroundings and she saw it as brainwash. and when i told her about my religion all she could say is "well that's wrong and you're going to hell for not believing in god. god's real and you must follow him. it's the only way to go." and etc... she totally attacked us, but we didn't care because, of our faith. no one ever really listens to the opposing side because the one thing people usually never change their mind about, is their religion. most people are just blinded by it, and others just find it the most suiting. maybe i had no right seeing as how i've never really studied the religion or know much about it. which is why i didn't pick at it. i just tried to tell her my opinion. that the only reason she believed in what she did was because that's what she's been told to believe all her life. and she was really ignorant about it, but there's nothing wrong with that. as long as she's happy w/ it. and she is. and i guess that's all i have to say. i hope you know i'm not trying to argue w/ you, i actually hate arguing besides the rare occassion where i feel like arguing to boost my esteem. maybe that's what this was w/ brenda, because i knew she'd say something extremely ignorant and i would be reassured that i can always count on some people to never change their views and what not. that may sound degrading and awful, but oh well. everyone has to do something of the sort every once in a while. and don't deny it, it's a human function. it's just what we do. i probably didn't help w/ this post, you might even hate me more, but oh well. you may through any comments you wish to through, just be honest, but please at least try to see the situation from my point of view before deciding to settle w/ brenda's side. maybe you're right, maybe i was too rude. i promise i'll apologize to brenda on tuesday when i see her at school. if you've read this, thanks for taking the time. if you comment, that's even better.
-Jessica
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Sunday, October 19th, 2003
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| Subject: | uh oh |
| Time: | 11:14 pm. |
| Mood: |  bitchy. | | Music: | sigur ros- ( )- untitled 4. |
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just to let you all know, i haven't recieved any mail from livejournal in the past day or two, yet when i checked my recent posts i found comments from others. weird, i wonder why they haven't been e-mailed to me. so if i don't reply i guess i haven't seen your comment.
-Jessica
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Saturday, October 18th, 2003
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So me and my friend Adrienne were in Art 3 yesterday at school and we sit next to this one chick, Brenda and we were all discussing religion. i don't remember how we got on the subject but you know, somehow that topic always comes up. which is cool, i love talking about religion. it's one of my favorite subjects to talk about because everyone can debate for hours and not get anywhere because everyone's freakin ignorant and stubborn when it comes to religion right? lots of fun. anyways, we weren't putting brenda's religion down (catholic) or anything, we were just telling her the only reason she believes in god is because that's what she was brought up to believe in and it's all she knows. but her being the dumb ignorant god freak she is kept saying "that's not true. i would believe in god anyways. no matter what." so we tried to set up a scenario, her situation in just another enviornment. so adrienne asked her "what if you were born in africa and grew up around the africans and had to go to their little temples all the time and praised their multiple gods and lived by their ways, do you think then you would still have the same beliefs?" and brenda actually said, ok, are you ready for this? she said "but that would be brainwash." !!!!!!! can you believe that?! our mouths both dropped. stupid closed minded blind fools. it was definitely a great moment in life. she totally proved our point and it was just fucking awesome as all hell to hear her say that. alright, sorry, i just had to post this. it was so cool.
-Jessica
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Friday, October 17th, 2003
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so i finally got the balls to tell christy about oscar. it went well, but i know she was hiding her true feelings just to make me feel comfortable. I'm all sick now. it sucks. i think i caught it from Sarah. anywho, i've been a total bitch all day to everyone. i'm acting like i'm on the rag and everyone's just annoying me right now. i think it's because i'm sick. but i went over to oscar's and he was acting extremely strange. all lovey dovey and shit. and i hated it. i like being equals, so when he does his stupid teenagery "i'll do whatever you want, give you whatever you want" trip it freaks me out. i actually doubted my love for him for a second. the way he was acting was sooo stupid and annoying that it scared me away and i got out of the house as quick as possible. he made me feel really uncomfortable, which is weird because i never ever feel like that. sometimes the atmosphere tends to be a little akward, but never like this. maybe i was just being a little bitch. but it was creepy. i hope he's normal next time i see him. i really can't stand anyone worshipping me. this will all clear up, i know it will, because i love him to death.
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Wednesday, October 15th, 2003
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so on monday i went of strike w/ my dad at Ralphs and had a great time. it was so much fun. i love everyone that works there, they're all so funny. we even had a bar-b-q in front of the store and we convinced most people to leave. and we said some funny shit to discourage people. i told people to help me support my children (even though i don't have any because i'm 15) and told them about how children in the future won't get work benefits and what not. anyways, Christy's cousin came up to me after lunch at school on tuesday and said something along the lines of "look bitch, i don't want you to call my cousin, hang out w/ my cousin, or even think about my cousin. just get her out of your mind completely, alright bitch?!" and she was just yelling at me and i froze so tyler had to pull me away and just shouted at her "yeah, fuck you bitch!" and walked me to class. i felt special that tyler would stick up for me. so i finally did call christy that day, despite my warning. she came over to fernando's and we all hung out. she took us to her work and bought us lunch. mmmmm, thai chicken pizza at the California Pizza Kitchen. it was good. and we had some sort of rum cake for desert that kicked ass. but it was weird, not being w/ christy that felt completely normal, but because she was just acting normal like how she used to be when we'd hang out. just happy fun christy. but everyone's been telling me that she's always miserable and sad and depressed and shit when they hang out w/ her now. but i haven't seen her for a while, but she was normal. i don't know if it was because she loves me and was happy to be w/ me or if it was because she just wanted to make me feel comfortable. she does that a lot. and i hate it because i know she'll be eaten away inside. but i didn't actually get around to telling her about oscar yet. i was too busy having fun that i forgot, plus i didn't want to talk to her about it w/ fernando around. we spent the night at my house, had a few too drink and went walking around the streets of DHS. trust me, that's not only scary, it's extremely dangerous. it's fucking dirty dingy nasty tweeker ville here, i swear. but it was so much fun. i haven't hung out w/ any of my friends for about a month now, opposed to the old times when i hung out w/ them pretty much every single day. so, i went to oscar's today. i kept teasing him sexually and we haven't had sex in a long ass time (about a week now). i don't know if any of you consider that long, but for us it really really is. and we ended up having sex... in his front yard. he doesn't even have a real front yard because he lives in a trailor, one right next to the street, and fucking a billion tweekers kept walking by but didn't even pay attention to us what so ever. that's how bad it is here, having sex out in public right next to the street in front of everyone is normal. kind of sad, isn't it?
-Jessica
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Sunday, October 12th, 2003
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::whoosh::
are you all ready for this? i am no longer jessica. on my signal, you will know me as jessica the film critic. are you ready? here it comes!
::insert signal here::
why, hello there. i'm jessica, the film critic! today's victum would be Kill Bill. unlike the last cheesy stupid ass movie i saw (Underworld) this movie absolutely rocked! i enjoyed every second of it. definitely got my money's worth. The storyline is freaking awesome and thrilling. and i'm usually not one for action flicks because they all seem the same and put me to sleep, but there are always exceptions. this is definitely one of them. this is probably one of the best movies i've seen all year if not the best. and it was cheesy, but not at all in a bad way. only parts were cheesy, and they were meant to be. unlike Underworld where they were trying to be cool and it came out cheesy. this shit was awesome. and many different film styles and camera modes were used. they even went black and white a few times. once they did a silhouette scene, and lots of other fun stuff. and one time they went all cartoony and anime. it was kind of scary but awesome. Gogo, the 17 year old mad japanese chick, had to the scariest character. she kicked ass. i'm soooo looking forward the the second part of this movie. i hope they do what they did in the first, which is explain where each character is coming from and give background. ah, the most awesome thing about this movie was their overexageration. like if someone got sliced by a sword they'd spurt blood. it was bad ass, and hella funny (even though i hate the word 'hella'). oh, and the little japanese rock band in the japanese restaurant ruled. all the music ruled. it was all old shit, and it rocked! but it was funny because when the main character is fighting w/ her enemy in japan they started playing mexican music rather then japanese. haha, but somehow it still worked. this film reminded me of something that would be made in like the 70's. it was just fucking awesome. definitely my favorite by Quentin Tarantino. and we all know he makes some good shit. so i definitely recomend this movie to you all. i give it 5 pickles. hell yeah. so go see it! now! now i say!
-Jessica
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| Time: | 8:10 pm. |
| Mood: |  loved. | | Music: | apc- mer de noms- 3 libras. |
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wow. that was strange. my two best buddies, sal and sarah, both sent me e-mails saying they were sorry for their behaviours towards mine and oscar's relationship. no one really likes me going out w/ oscar, none of my friends anyways, because they always see the bad points in him, all his flaws, and because i was extremely close to being w/ another one of our friends (christy) instead of him. and of course everyone would be behind christy, she is their freind afterall. but anyways, yeah they apologized for always talking shit on oscar. and they say they accept the relationship now. that was suprising. and my poor sarah said she was crying for an hour when sal made her realize what they were doing to me. i mean it does effect me when they make their little rude comments about our relationship because i love oscar and see a different side to him then them, but they really took it all to heart. i feel extremely loved now. i saw myself as disconnecting from them, so i figured they didn't really care about me or notice me anymore, but looks like they do. sal says this song explains how he and sarah felt about our relationship and how fernando (another friend) still feels about it:
Delusional
I believe I can cure it all for you, dear
Coax or trick or drive or
drag the demons from you
Make it right for you sleeping beauty
Truly thought
I can magically heal you
You're far beyond a visible sign of your awakening
Failing miserably to rescue
Sleeping Beauty
Drunk on ego
Truly thought I could make it right
If I kissed you one more time to
Help you face the nightmare
But you're far too poisoned for me
Such a fool to think that I can wake you from your slumber
That I could actually heal you..
Sleeping Beauty
Poisoned and hopeless
You're far beyond a visible sign of your awakening
Failing miserably to find a way to comfort you
Far beyond a visible sign of your awakening
And hiding from some poisoned memory
Poisoned and hopeless
Sleeping Beauty
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So, there are quite a few things going on. I still haven't talked to Christy but really need too already. Oscar went crazy last night and cut himself a little and started throwing shit, but i got him to calm down. at first i felt extremely useless because i didn't know how to answer his questions or what to do besides hold him down and try to talk to him and hide every sharp object in his room. but i later realized i did help and did get him to calm down. i seem to be the only person who can do that. i later that night had a semi break down. wow, haven't had one of those for a while, i think about 4 months now. i was just thinking about everything and kind of had a little spaz attack, but nothing to important. and hector asked me to move in with him. i kind of want to, but i can't. i have oscar now. and there's just stuff going on. plus i keep having cravings to tweek, but i can't do it! i'm staying strong. i think i need some vodka right now. anyways... one of my good buddies, Sal, sent me an e-mail that tells about how the weekend was w/ the rest of my buddies. this is how all my days used to be before:
Hey how you been shorty I havent talked to you in a while I wonder how you're doing Im wrinting to tell you that I might have told christy somethings about you that you may have intrusted me with... Like when you and I have talked and Im just writing to apologize for it, but I just wanted to ease her mind a bit and have her make a clear descision about what she herself is going to do about the situation she is in I'm not the type of person that would not let you know that it was me who had said something I know I dont understand exactly what you're going through but I know that to some exten Oscar makes you happy and thats fine with me while others (Fernando) seem to have issues with that I had a dream abou oscar dont ask me why but I dreamt that he was being crucified by himself but on his left hand you were stuck he had nailed his arm with yours and you were hanging in the balance all you did was cry for his sorrow but you never stopped to think about yours... I know im a pretty good dream reader but this one stumped me I dont know what it means and maybe becasue i dont know Oscar, just thought you should know ... on a lighter note I had a shitload of fun this weekend I taught fernando and Tyler how to drive the mustang it was good stuff and when was it, on friday night i believe i was acting like a total spaz cause i had a fever but I was all energetic and wouldnt shut up it was funny and fernando gave me this Tea and it was so good Hmmmm TEA but yeah all we did was hang out but i had fun none the less and of course they all tweekd and in a way i was glad you werent ther becasue then you might have done it and yeah that would not be cool with me even KC did it but oh well ... of course i was sober Im the only one thats sober all the time lol kind of sad but oh well i like my soberness dammit and I can still keep up so yeah I dont need the drugs anyways I should probably shut up now but yeah we should hang out ( Of course not alone because i creep you out or something but with other people) anyways write me back and hopefully ill talk to you soon
it also tells about a dream he had about oscar, which is weird, because they aren't friends. actually, they kind of hate each other. that whole situation where i kissed sal and oscar being my bf and all, ya know? i miss sal. i wish i could see more of him, seeing as how i enjoy his company more then my other friends. i don't even hang out w/ anyone anymore, except oscar. it's not only because i'm always w/ oscar, but also because they're starting to drive me crazy. i don't know why but lately they just seem so inhumane and childish and the list continues. they're just starting to piss me off, but i love them all to death. well, i'm out.
-Jessica
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Saturday, October 11th, 2003
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"And when we're old and lying in our bed,
we'll have the same dreams running through our heads,
and we'll look back at this and laugh and say,
'none of it matters because you stayed'"
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Deep peagan queer girl
What annoying Livejournal stereotype are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
You're a LJ "Princess of Pain"
No one understands what your going through...you're
alone in this world. You probably wear a lot of
black. NEWSFLASH: No one understands because no
one cares enough to ask. You're miserable
demeanour would be enough to discourage Mother
Teresa from helping you, never mind us lesser
mortals. Everyone has been through it, so
lighten up, drop the goth look, buy some new
clothes, and talk to people about whats going
on instead of whining and thinking you are the
only one in the world in pain. People might
actually start to like you..
What's your LiveJournal personality?
brought to you by Quizilla
[ Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<img [...] today,>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.] <img src="http://images.quizilla.com/T/thebich/1054910789_kwellpegan.jpg" border="0" alt="Livejournal deep girl"><br>Deep peagan queer girl <br><br><a href="http://quizilla.com/users/thebich/quizzes/What%20annoying%20Livejournal%20stereotype%20are%20you%3F%20/"> <font size="-1">What annoying Livejournal stereotype are you? </font></a><BR> <font size="-3">brought to you by <a href="http://quizilla.com">Quizilla</a></font> <img src="http://images.quizilla.com/C/colm/1041079120_quizdeath1.GIF" border="0" alt="You are a Princess of Pain"><br>You're a LJ "Princess of Pain" No one understands what your going through...you're<br>alone in this world. You probably wear a lot of<br>black. NEWSFLASH: No one understands because no<br>one cares enough to ask. You're miserable<br>demeanour would be enough to discourage Mother<br>Teresa from helping you, never mind us lesser<br>mortals. Everyone has been through it, so<br>lighten up, drop the goth look, buy some new<br>clothes, and talk to people about whats going<br>on instead of whining and thinking you are the<br>only one in the world in pain. People might<br>actually start to like you.. <br><br><a href="http://quizilla.com/users/colm/quizzes/What's%20your%20LiveJournal%20personality%3F/"> <font size="-1">What's your LiveJournal personality?</font></a><BR> <font size="-3">brought to you by <a href="http://quizilla.com">Quizilla</a></font> <img src="http://images.quizilla.com/K/kreeton/1057916004_tenjournal.jpg" border="0" alt=""Dear Journal: Today, that fine guy at the gast station finally filled my tank...""><br>(*GASP*) ACTUAL JOURNAL: Congratulations! Your LJ<br>is written by you, FOR you. You think it's all<br>fine and dandy to share your thoughts with your<br>friends, but you don't put on any kind of show<br>or glory parade just because your friends read<br>it. You're one awesome banana. <br><br><a href="http://quizilla.com/users/kreeton/quizzes/What's%20the%20purpose%20behind%20your%20LiveJournal%3F%20(with%20pictures!)/"> <font size="-1">What's the purpose behind your LiveJournal? (with pictures!)</font></a><BR> <font size="-3">brought to you by <a href="http://quizilla.com">Quizilla</a></font> that first one is funny |
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darkcurrents's journal
confused.
horny.
nervous.
chipper.
sick.
drained.
stressed.